My Challenge Of Dating As A Black Woman - Chrissie Bray
Chrissie Bray is no stranger to challenge, overcoming breast cancer twice, raising a son by herself and competing in numerous body transformation competitions she's faced them all head on and with vigour, however one area of her life that is still posing major challenges to her wellbeing, is her battle with body confidence. Although on the outside Chrissie is a vivacious, warm and stunningly beautiful woman, her experience with dating and more importantly dating as a black woman has left her at times struggling with her own self worth. Here she details her personal experiences of the dating world and its impact on her self esteem.
“Body confidence is something that has to come from within, as a black woman however, I’m finding that I’m having to dig that little bit deeper to reach it. Is it any wonder as a black woman that we have body confidence issues when our bodies are either fetishised or repugnant. Even something as simple as dating raises up an ugly narrative and challenges our personal self worth and body confidence. Ask any black woman who has a dating app what the most common statements in her inbox are and most likely she will reply with “I don’t date black girls” or “I’ve never been with a black woman before” usually followed with “ Do you like white chocolate?”
Immediately after seeing those types of messages in your inbox you are forced to find peace with your own body and the strength to deal with the underlying message that a black woman isn’t attractive enough to date or that a black woman’s beauty solely lies in her sexual prowess.
Furthermore the mainstream media has over sexualized black female bodies for centuries, causing black women to be increasingly objectified and feel demoralized. More so it has influenced body image, and how in particular black bodies “should be,” something that has plagued the black community and that in turn has filtered down to the indigenous population. It’s a common stereotype facing black women, that we are seen as “sexual” & “exotic”, as something of a novelty not long term. As a young black woman looking for body acceptance and confidence how can we navigate our own self worth when surrounded by these constant challenges?
Growing up I was particularly aware of the fact that if you had light skin, European features and straight hair you would receive more male attention. Fast forward to 2020 and it appears not much has changed. The last episode of Love Island showed a black girl Yewande being last in a line to get picked by a potential beau despite being pretty, intelligent and having a gorgeous figure and personality to match. Unfortunately she was just another black girl who did not have the appeal of her Caucasian counterparts.
As a black woman accepting my own body and feeling confident in it, putting myself out into the dating world is an arduous task as dating platforms generally serve to destroy the self worth and body confidence of the average black woman. At one extreme, potential suitors may offer their interest but purely as a task for objectification and to corroborate the fetishisation of the black woman. Messages asking if you “taste of chocolate”, or if they can “lick the chocolate off your skin” or “do you like cream in your coffee?” are all sent with ease. The killer jugular comment though has to be “you are pretty for a black girl”. With comments like these thrown around so casually how as a black woman can we practice self love when we are so blatantly fetishised or condemned. Not only is this insulting and degrading it’s demoralising and racist.
A racial fetish is definitely more than “having a type”. Race should not be a fixation or an issue for anyone. My blackness is not a commodity, defect or something to be fetishised. I love myself and I want to attract a partner who loves me not for my skin colour but for who I am inside.
I hope that one day in the future people will see black women not as a fetish or as second class citizens but as women who are equals who deserve respect and dignity. Black women are just women and we are on dating apps for the same reason as everyone else which is to meet people, have fun and screenshot cringey messages to share in WhatsApp groups with our girlfriends, not talk about our sexual prowess or our “chocolate bodies”.
So for any guy on a dating app typing to an unsuspecting black girl “ What’s up my black beauty, let me see you twerk.” Seriously just don’t bother!!”
More About Chrissie Bray
Chrissie is a body confidence activist, motivational speaker and blogger. Follow Chrissie’s home styling page on Instagram.
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