Every year, the 10th October is recognised as World Mental Health Day, a day to raise awareness of the challenges we all face with regards to maintaining positive mental health in increasingly difficult times. However one area that often gets over looked is the mental health of parents and how the challenges of parenting in modern day times can really put a strain on our mental health and relationships. It's understandable that parents want to put their kids first and it’s normal and healthy behaviour in general, but in the area of mental health and wellbeing nothing encourages health in your kids more than your own health and so here, mental health expert Noel McDermott looks at how parents should prioritise their own mental wellbeing today and throughout the year.

Noel comments: “Most health and wellbeing issues in the general population are centred around healthy lifestyle choices more than anything else. Added to that our children tend to copy us more than we like to acknowledge. Think of smoking for example, which is most likely to influence a child’s behaviour positively out of these two examples a) a parent smokes and tells their child smoking is a bad habit to start and b) a parent does not smoke and tells their child smoking is a bad habit to start. If you are a smoking parent and this makes you feel guilty, it should and you should quit immediately”.  

Obviously other influences affect our kids especially their peers groups as they get older but health and wellbeing are very much shaped by early life choices and habits formed at this point. During that time you as a parent are the most powerful single influence. Even later when your kids are teens having congruent behaviours and attitudes around the importance of health and wellbeing are crucial to help your kids make wise choices. Congruent meaning what you do and what you say are the same.

This is one of the reasons for parents to prioritise their health and wellbeing as it directly impacts on choices your kids make. The research around these issues is incontrovertible and much information on it exists from governments over the years*.

The other main reason is investing in your well-being. Achieving wellbeing improves how we experience everything in life, including times of stress, times of ill health, and counter intuitively times of psychological ill health also. If we have strong wellbeing habits in place those times of psychological distress will tend to be less severe, shorter and less likely to recur.

So what are the health and wellbeing habits we need to foster in ourselves as parents and in our kids?

Help seeking - there is no way of removing risk from life and nor should we try to, but we can build in strategies to help mitigate against damage and one of the best is asking for help. Knowing when you are in a hole and when to stop digging it deeper is crucial in life, and knowing to ask for help to get out of it is just as crucial. Always let those close to you know how you are, especially if you are struggling in any way. Be open to accepting suggestions and giving things a go.

Healthy lifestyle - Sleep and rest, relaxation (stress management), nutrition and exercise are the four pillars of health and wellbeing - don’t limit your ideas of exercise to the gym, evidence suggests dancing is the best treatment overall for depression for example**, closely followed by yoga. Stress management is the secret superpower that most folk don’t know about and learning to use mindful breathing will be your top choice here.

• HALT mnemonic  - Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired…if you have these needs then HALT what you are doing and meet these needs first

• Social connections - Social connection reduces the occurrence of all illness, both physical and psychological. There is significant evidence that social support and feeling connected can help people maintain a healthy body mass index, control blood sugars, improve cancer survival, decrease cardiovascular mortality, decrease depressive symptoms, mitigate post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms, and improve overall mental health. The opposite of connection, social isolation, has a negative effect on health and can increase depressive symptoms as well as mortality***

• Loneliness kills - get out and meet people, talk to others, develop interest groups, organise events, make friends….

For parents and families where long term or chronic conditions exist the issues may well be more complex and difficult. Especially if as a parent you are waiting for services for say a child with mental health problems, learning disabilities, ASD etc. You can become caught up in the fight for services and for your child’s rights at the expense of your own health and that of your other kids and partner. This is a vicious cycle which won’t help your child or you and will literally cause harm in and off itself. We use the term identified patient in family work, where one child or family member is the one identified as having the ‘needs’ and if only those needs are met then the family will be fine. But that is never the case, the reverse is true. To be able to truly meet that person’s needs the family has to be healthy and well. Often as a clinician I will be asked, how can I help the family member labelled as having the needs/being the patient and the answer is always the same, get well yourself. The health of the individual is mediated by the health of the whole, the family becomes the healer. Physician heal thyself.

About The Expert:

Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and drama therapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and coordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/

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